sponsee

Sponsors In Recovery — More Questions

Our clients attend group sessions while in detox, and questions come up about sponsors in recovery. Since the subject seems to confuse some folks in the beginning, we like to mention it occasionally with a bit of an explanation. These were a couple of recent questions.

What is a sponsor?

Sponsors in recovery are people with experience in the particular program of recovery, who have completed the 12 steps, and who help newcomers understand and guide them through completion. Along with that, they make themselves available as supports outside of meetings. A sponsor should be of a gender preference that minimizes the possibility of outside entanglement, and the sponsee should remember that age is not a factor in these matters. That is, men sponsor men and women sponsor women, unless the parties are gay.

Most sponsors require that their sponsees call them every day, and want to meet with them on frequent occasions to discuss their program, things that may be on their mind, and help prepare them for the various steps. If they do not have time to do that — and there are many good reasons why that might be the case — then perhaps another choice would be wise.

A sponsor is not a moneylender, legal adviser  marriage counselor or therapist. Their purpose is to help the newcomer focus on the 12 Steps, and to help them come to an understanding of their program of recovery. These other things distract and change the focus of the relationship, and are generally considered detrimental. Furthermore, it is quite likely that they are not qualified in those areas anyway. Although most of us develop friendships with our sponsors, even that is not necessary.  What is required is experience on the part of the sponsor, and our ability to learn to trust them.

The person we choose does not have to like our kind of music, be a sports buff, or even close to our own age, but he or she must show through appearance, actions and words that they are not only working a solid program but are also living a healthy life. There is no such thing as a perfect sponsor, but the best bet is to check out the person at a few meetings or over a cup of coffee, and see that they are not just talking the talk, but walking the walk as well.

Finally, we need to remember that a sponsor’s purpose is to lead us through the steps. If that is not happening, or if they are taking us off on some tangent, we need to understand that we are not married to them, and that we are free to look for another sponsor. We do, however, need to be sure that the incompatibility is real, and not simply a matter of having heard something we did not want to hear. The nature of recovery is change, and a sponsor who is unwilling to dig a little is not doing the job right.

Is it okay to have a sponsor in AA and another in NA?

This is a matter of opinion, to a degree. Generally-speaking, when it comes to those two fellowships, we would suggest that it is best to settle on one or the other for our step work. Every sponsor learns sponsorship from their own sponsors, and styles of sponsorship thus vary quite a bit. Having two individuals risks confusion. For example, one may like to spend more time on a particular step than another, or put more weight on writing as opposed to talking. Neither of those is wrong, but they can conflict.

One of the best reasons for not having two sponsors, however, is the danger that we will play one against the other. In any endeavor, it is best to have only one leader at a time. We recommend that a newcomer choose one fellowship for in-depth work, and attend meetings of the other for identification with those issues as well.

The exceptions to the above occur in the case of specialized fellowships, such as Overeaters or Gamblers Anonymous, or sexual addiction groups. In those and some other cases, the primary purposes are so different (at least on the surface) that it is imperative to have a sponsor who can personally and comfortably address those issues.

Questions From Newcomers: What Should You Look For In A Sponsor

Original Draft of "How It Works"

There is a line in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that reads, “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.” It is accepted in the rooms of the 12-step fellowships that the way we achieve lasting sobriety is by making changes in our lives. The steps are the basis of those changes. They provide a framework for action that we take to begin to get our lives back on track and on the way to normal living. They are based on ideas that have been found to work – if we work at them.

In order to “work” the steps we need guidance, and that is the purpose of a sponsor. A sponsor's job is not to lead us around by the hand, or counsel us in our relationship problems, or lend us money, or provide transportation, or be our friend – although some sponsors do some of those things. Emphatically, it is not the job of a sponsor to tell us how to live our lives. The purpose of a sponsor is to guide us through the steps. Many of us continue to use our sponsors as sounding boards and develop lasting friendships after we complete the steps, but that is a bonus. If a sponsor has taken us through the 12 steps carefully and thoroughly, then he or she has completed the job. Anything else is secondary to that duty.

That said, the sensible thing for us to do is to choose a sponsor strictly on how carefully we believe they seem to have done the steps. We want sponsors who are clearly sober, who have obviously worked through most of their issues, who are living sober lives in the community, and who are generally the sorts of people that we would like to become.

That means that, among other things, we want sponsors who won't become distractions from our program. If we are male, we want male sponsors. If we are female, we want female sponsors. If we are gay, we carefully choose sponsors to whom we are not likely to become attracted, of whatever gender. Sponsors and sponsees work closely together, share confidences, and develop extremely close relationships within the context of the program. It is all too easy to fall into the trap of carrying those relationships too far. In that case, we no longer have a sponsor/sponsee relationship, regardless of how we may try to fool ourselves, we will be distracted from our program, and we are risking not only our sobriety but that of the other party as well.

Another common trap is to choose sponsors who are “right for us.” We are in no position to make those decisions. If we knew what was right for us, we wouldn't need meetings. My advice is to choose the person in the room who has a quiet, solid sort of sobriety, the person that the chair calls on when no one else wants to share, the person who talks about how he or she did it, not about how others should do it. The person who doesn't necessarily share all that much, but who invariably leaves us thinking “Yeah!”

Another indication of a good sponsor is to take a look at their sponsor, the one who will become our “grand-sponsor.” A string of two (or three) solid individuals who seem really to have it together will virtually guarantee not only that we will get a good sponsor but that we will have good resources to fall back on if needed.

Finally, remembering the reason for getting a sponsor to begin with, we want one who talks about the steps – about their understanding of them, what they have meant in their life, how they continue to incorporate those ideas into their daily living, and so forth. High-falutin' ideas about spirituality, or religion, or New Age ideas have nothing to do with sobriety. Spirituality is about being a good person and doing the next right thing. Religion and New Age ideas have no bearing on the steps, and should be pursued separately if one desires. It is easy to be swayed by big talk. Look for the person who lives the steps, and you won't go far wrong.