We see the acronym “H.O.W.” on the wall of just about every 12-step club we enter, and often in church basements, treatment centers and other places where meetings are held. Honest, Open and Willing are the cornerstones of recovery. Without them, there’s little to no chance of our getting and staying sober.
An Honest Challenge
We need to be honest with ourselves and others. To begin with, this is hard. The farther we get from our drinking and drugging the easier it gets, but honesty doesn’t come naturally to alcoholics and other addicts. We've become accustomed to protecting our drugs and justifying our behavior by half-truths, downright lies and omissions that dishonesty is our default mode, at least in some things. The old AA saying, “I used to lie when it would have been easier to tell the truth”, is dead on for most of us.
To start with, honesty is easiest with folks who don’t threaten us much. That’s why it’s important to open up in meetings and begin to practice telling the truth. No matter how unpleasant it may seem to us, there will be people in the room who've been there, done that, and will be unsurprised and non-judgmental. Once we’ve become accustomed to the idea that the sky isn’t going to fall on us, we can consider expanding our truth-telling to others in our lives. We can learn to become more open with whomever we’re with.
Learning to Tell the Truth
That doesn’t mean that we spill the beans to everyone and his brother. Although the relief we feel in early recovery may cause us to lean in the direction of over-disclosure, it’s probably not a good idea to shock the civilians—certainly with no forewarning. What is important, though, is that we begin to incorporate honesty into our dealings with everyone. Just as lying is learned behavior, so must we learn to tell the truth automatically (as scary as that may be to begin with).
We have to be willing to make the changes necessary in allowing us to be honest and open with others. This requires a firm understanding of the damage our opposite behavior has had in the past, and the potential for further harm. Part of this will come more or less automatically as part of our 4th and 5th Step work, but it is never too soon to consider the value of honesty in our program. If I lie about selected things, then I have to lie to cover up the lies, and sooner—rather than later—I’m so wound up in my stories that the whole thing falls apart. Where do I have to go from there? All too often, it’s back to the old ways of coping with a life gone out of control.
Living Honestly
We need also to be willing to allow others to be open and honest with us. Addicts are experts at getting folks to leave us alone. We withdraw, change the subject, lash out, become amorous, walk away and use a variety of other tricks to make confrontation difficult for others. But if we expect to become clean and sober, to take our place in the real world we must become willing to learn from others and accept their feedback. We've been living in our own heads for far too long. Now it’s time to find the real us and live that story, instead of some drugged-out fairy tale.
H. O. W.
H.O.W. (Honesty, Openness, Willingness) is one slogan that we’re likely to run across in any 12-step room. Let’s take a look at that one.
Every addict I’ve met (and I include myself) had in common three traits: secrets relating to their addiction, unwillingness to let others know any more than the addict thinks is necessary, and stubbornness. These things are all understandable, viewed from an addict’s perspective, because in one way or another they help to protect the addiction.
One of the first indications of a developing addiction is secrets. We keep secrets about where we were, what we were doing, how much of it we did, with whom, and how much it cost. We weave these webs of deception until they become so complex that often we can’t keep them straight ourselves. In fact most addicts come to believe at least some of their own lies.
The same is true about openness — we treat it like poison. We don’t want people to know who we really are because, deep down inside, we’re afraid that if they really knew us they would disapprove — that they wouldn’t like us, would find us unacceptable. Sometimes we've done things that we truly believe no one in their right mind would want anyone else to know about, perhaps even committed serious crimes. Keeping these secrets makes it really hard to be open, because one thing leads to another, and we may reveal more than we intended. So we answer questions about our lives with vague generalities, or spin fanciful tales that we believe will enhance our image. Sometimes we end up believing that we really are the person we’ve made up.
And, of course, we’re stubborn. In many things, it’s our way or the highway — another way that we protect our addictions. We don’t like that well-regarded restaurant (because they don’t serve booze); we don’t want to associate with those people, we just don’t feel comfortable around them (we can’t drink at their house, and they get upset when they find people doing lines in the bathroom). Naturally “no one can tell me how to live my life,” either. I’d never be able to keep all the balls in the air if I had to worry about someone else’s opinions and advice. (Besides, they might be right.)
Generally speaking, recovery is about reversing the effects of addiction and correcting the personality problems that supported it. Is it any wonder that H.O.W. is so common? It addresses three of the core problems that we must overcome if we are to make progress towards a life that is free of alcohol, other drugs, or addictive behaviors. If we can't be honest and open with others, how can we learn to be honest with ourselves? And if we aren't willing to learn, we might just as well go out, use, and make our relapse official.
Honesty. Openness. Willingness. Master those, and we’re well on the way to a sober life. Continue to ignore them, and…well…you know….