One of the first things we hear in recovery, both in treatment and around the rooms of the support groups, is “No new relationships in the first year.” If it’s not one of the first things we hear, it’s certainly one of the first things that get our attention.
That’s hardly surprising. Emotions that have been suppressed by alcohol and other drugs are suddenly bubbling to the surface with none of the edges knocked off. Add to that the fact that we’re feeling at loose ends, with all that time on our hands that we formerly spent using, and the fact that we really don’t want to face life directly yet, and we’re ripe for distraction. Since rehab romances are one of the most common issues in early recovery, it crosses our minds, “Why not, as long as the other person is in recovery too? We’ll have so much in common!”
Human beings are hard-wired for romance. We are wired to be attracted to “our kind of people,” and to become obsessed with them to the virtual exclusion of everything else until we have consummated the relationship and are well along the way to creating a family unit — at least theoretically. That’s nature’s way of making sure we continue to produce little people. One of the most basic things we have in common with other people in early recovery is addict behavior. We speak the same language. If we find them sexually attractive as well, of course we want a relationship.
Because such relationships are so all-consuming, in early recovery they create the ultimate distraction at a time when all of our attention needs to be focused on learning how to exist and progress without our drug(s) of choice. Anyone who has been “in love,” (lust) knows how the other person consumes our thoughts and — with opportunity — our time.
The bare facts of the matter are (a.) we need to give our full attention to our program until we have mastered the skills of sober living; (b.) we need to learn to have healthy relationships with ourselves before inflicting them on someone new; and (c.) any relationships we enter so soon after getting clean and sober will almost certainly fail as we grow in different directions from the significant other. Last, but hardly least, relationships in early recovery are, in the opinion of many, the number-one cause of relapse. That’s what you’re likely to have most in common.
Make sense now?