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Support Groups For Families And Friends

September 29, 2012 by Recovery Blogger 1 Comment

In the previous installment of this series on recovery programs, I discussed some of the reasons why family members, friends and even employers of folks addicted to drugs (including alcohol) may need to seek some support for themselves.  In this one, we’ll talk about support groups.

These issues can all be lumped under the term “codependency.” However, the word has become so over-used, both inside and outside the recovery community, that many people tend to blow off discussions about it. That’s a shame, because addiction to alcohol and other drugs affects practically everyone in our society in one way or another. From time to time we all need to deal with an addict “up close and personal,” and most of us have no idea how to go about it. That lack of understanding can do considerable damage, to the addict and ourselves.

I’ve written about enabling several times on this blog, and you can find some of those articles here. The bottom line, however, is simply that “helping” an addict in any way that makes it easier for her to live her life while continuing her addiction is enabling the continuation of the addiction. We addicts are experts at using charm, lies, guilt and anger to influence the people around us. Unless those folks come to understand the way we operate, and the truly effective ways of helping us, they are only helping us down the road to jails, institutions and death.

Effective intervention with an addict or substance abuser, if indicated, requires the help of a professional as a sort of referee, and to assist us in making plans. However, the best guidance for families and others dealing with addicts often comes from other folks who have gone through the same process of learning about their own denial and how to work through it and other codependency issues.

How many times have you tried to open up with a friend, only to get a lot of unwanted advice from a person who clearly has no idea what you’re going through? Or, how many times have you wanted someone to talk to — someone who can understand — and not known where to find one. The support groups for families and friends are a safe source of understanding and useful information about subjects that are often family secrets, unspoken by anyone.

The first such support group was Al-Anon, founded by Lois Wilson and Anne Smith, wives of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now formally known as Al-Anon Family Groups, and made up of the original Ala-Anon plus Alateen (for kids of alcoholics), it is still the largest and widest-spread fellowship of its kind. Over the 50+ years of its existence, the collective wisdom of the fellowship in how to remain sane while loving a drunk has become enormous — and invaluable.

Other groups, no less important, that have sprouted off of Al-Anon include

  • Nar-Anon for those affected by people addicted to drugs other than alcohol
  • Gam-Anon for people close to compulsive gamblers
  • Codependents Anonymous (CODA), dedicated to developing healthy relationships of all kinds
  • COSA, a recovery program for men and women whose lives have been affected by someone else’s compulsive sexual behavior
  • Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), for adults dealing with family of origin issues

and several dozen others. The list above is for purposes of illustration, and not to imply endorsement of any one program over another.

These groups, along with many others, are easily available by searching for “family+support+(your+issue+here)”. Example: family+support+sex+addict gives us a huge selection of support groups, resources, and even online meetings for people dealing with someone else’s sexual behavior.

By no means should we ignore online supports. Often we are unable to find an appropriate meeting, embarrassed to open up in front of others, or perhaps we are even ashamed to be seen entering one. There are literally hundreds of online support groups for every sort of addiction and families of addicts. Two minutes of searching can turn up the one we need to get started on the road to emotional help, and to the skills needed to deal with our addicted loved ones.  We ought always to keep in mind, however, that sometimes there is nothing like talking face to face, or a warm hug, from someone who truly understands.

Our first responsibility is to ourselves.  We need to find ourselves in order to live our own lives.  We can’t help anyone until we face that truth and act on it.    We can make changes only in ourselves.  We may, or may not, be able to influence our addict, but we need to admit to ourselves that the problem is partially ours, let go of our useless attempts to control, and learn to detach with love.

For our own sakes, and theirs.

My thanks to Michele O. Webb CAP, ICADC for her assistance.

 

Filed Under: Addiction, Alcoholism, Codependency, Family and Friends, Recovery Tagged With: , , , , ,

In Recovery, How Do I Get People To Treat Me Normally?

April 27, 2012 by Recovery Blogger Leave a Comment

How do we keep our family and friends from treating us like patients, or walking on eggshells around us, especially around times of celebrations?

First of all, we need to understand that they are doing it because they love us, and are trying to protect us.  It does seem as though they’re attempting to control us in subtle ways, and because we’re feeling something like normal for the first time in years, we want to be treated that way.

However, we need to remember that, to a great degree, we are responsible for those eggshells.  It is probably going to be a while before we can expect to be treated like a normal person.  We need to earn trust and respect by being trustworthy and respectable; we are not entitled to them just because we’ve been sober for a few weeks, or even months.  As the AA saying goes, “Don’t expect a medal just because you’re finally doing what you should have been doing.”

On their part, our families need to understand that hearing eggshells cracking all the time is irritating, and that the best thing they can do for us in early recovery is to try to treat us as normally as possible — apart from putting temptation in front of us.

That may be hard for them, though.  Remember that for however long we were using, they got used to treating us in certain ways.  Nowadays, our total reality has been turned inside-out, but theirs hasn’t changed much at all.  Change takes time, understanding and trust. Because they do love us and want us to succeed in our recovery, they naturally feel awkward around us because they don’t know what to do.  While that can be really annoying, it’s generally not all that hard to deal with.

We need to sit down with them, discuss our recovery, and honestly let them know how we feel.  If we’re not able to do that yet, we can write them a respectful letter.  If we’re seeing a counselor, we can try to arrange a family session.  We need to tell them that while we appreciate their concern, we’d like them to try to relax and be themselves.  They need to know that we’re not going to head for the street or a bar just because someone mentions drinking, or refers to things that might remind us of the past.

We need to let them know that we don’t want to “forget the past, nor wish to shut the door on it,” and that we’ll be bringing it up ourselves from time to time.  They need to know that we don’t expect them to change their lives to accommodate us.

One of the things we can do is ask them to read this article.  Regarding the celebration issue, we can refer them to this article about parties that I publish every year around the Winter Holidays.  Finally, in the case of those who were most affected by our using, we can suggest that they consider a few Al-Anon or NarAnon meetings to learn a little more about living with people in recovery.

Most of all, we need to remember that these people love us.  They want to trust us.  They want us back in their lives.  They want what’s best for us.  They always have.  If we remember these things, and that they’re just doing the best they can — the same as us — it makes getting along a lot easier.

Filed Under: Codependency, Family and Friends, Recovery, Relationships, Staying Sober Tagged With: , ,

Are there groups like NA and AA for younger people?

March 25, 2012 by Recovery Blogger Leave a Comment

We don’t know of any fellowships specifically for young people, although some may exist.  However, both AA and NA have groups that consist primarily of younger members. Generally their ages range from the mid-teens to mid-20’s, but it’s not unusual to find a few older members as well, and that’s a good thing.  People with substantial time in recovery provide the continuity that a group needs.

A check with the Intergroup office in your area will get you the information you need on when and where to find young people’s groups.  There are young people’s meetings, conventions, and a variety of other activities aimed at both newcomers and younger folks with some time under their belts, and they are a wonderful way to become engaged in activities within the fellowship.

We’ve always recommended that people go to a variety of meetings: open, closed, discussion, beginner’s, book meetings, young people’s, and so forth.  There’s no question that it is easier to relate to those who are closer to our age and at about the same point in recovery.  However, we need to remember that while we may feel more like they are our kind of people, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are in a position to provide everything we need to work a program.

If we are uncomfortable with old-timers because we believe they’re judging our recovery, perhaps we need to get to know a few of them and get their actual opinions, instead of assuming that we can read their minds.  We may be surprised.  And they may have a lot to offer us, once we decide to talk to them.  After all, they’re the ones with the track record and experience.

It’s a good idea to mix up our program friends, concentrating not on their ages but instead on the quality of their recovery — but don’t skip the young people’s activities.  They’re the fastest track to healthy fun in recovery, and if you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.

It’s also worth mentioning that both AA and NA have “sister” organizations for young people with recovering parents, other family members, or friends.  Check out Nar-Anon Family Groups or Al-Anon Family Groups for more information.

Filed Under: Addict, Addiction, Alcoholic, Alcoholism, Recovery, Support Groups Tagged With: , , , , ,

Help or enable — what if the person is mentally ill?

November 14, 2011 by Recovery Blogger Leave a Comment

A reader writes:

My adult son plays me like a fiddle, but I am confused as to where do I draw the line because he is mentally ill. I am so stressed about this that I can barely function and I am going broke and he isn’t getting better. Can you provide any advice? Thanks.

Mental illness and addiction seem to go together.  Some people learn that they can self-medicate by using alcohol or other drugs, thereby moderating their symptoms.  Others may be less mentally-ill than simply suffering from messed-up brain chemistry due to the drugs.

In any case, the presence of chemicals always complicates treatment for other disorders. In fact, it’s nearly impossible to treat mentally-ill people effectively if they are still using.  How, for example, is a physician to treat depression in a person who is addicted to alcohol or opiates, both of which cause depression?

Would that I had an easy answer, but there are none when it comes to addiction and other mental disorders.  So let’s approach this problem from a different direction.  You write, “I am so stressed about this that I can barely function and I am going broke and he isn’t getting better,” so let me ask you a question.  If you are going nuts and broke, how are you ever going to be able to help your son?  Would it not be better to get your own situation under control, keep your sanity and whatever resources you have left, and stop banging your head against the wall?

The fact is, your son is quite aware that he can “play you like a fiddle,” and he has no reason to try to get better.  It gets back to the simple fact that when you make his life easier, you remove any incentive to change.  You did not state what his mental problems may be, but one thing is sure.  You can’t help him if you’re losing your own ability to function.

So I suggest you start taking care of yourself.  Begin by attending some support groups — I suggest Al-Anon, and perhaps one for people dealing with mentally disabled dependents.  Your local mental health association should be able to direct you to some of the latter.  As for Al-Anon, there are meetings all over the world, and I strongly urge you to avail yourself of the understanding and companionship of people who know where you’re coming from.  Only by dealing with your own confusion and coping problems will you reach a state where you are able to help your son when — and if — he decides to accept effective assistance.

In the meantime, I would suggest that you minimize any “helping” that in any way facilitates his drug use.  If he is unable to care for himself, then perhaps throwing him out is not the kind of tough love that would be helpful.  If, however, he is capable of fending for himself, even at a low level, let him know that he has a choice: give up the cushy life at your house and take over his own life, or go get some treatment.

In any case, you need to take care of yourself first.

Filed Under: Addict, Addiction, Addiction Education, Alcoholic, Alcoholism, Enabling, Mental Health, Support Groups Tagged With: , ,

Happy Birthday AA! 76 Years Young, And Still Growing

June 10, 2011 by Recovery Blogger Leave a Comment

[This piece was published on whatmesober.com.  It is used here, in its entirety, with permission.]

June 10th is the 76th anniversary of the meeting of a stockbroker from New York, only a few months sober and fearful of drinking, and a drunken proctologist from Akron, Ohio.

Dr. Bob Smith and Bill Wilson

William Wilson—Bill W., to generations of alcoholics—had tried to stop drinking for many years. A successful stockbroker before the Crash of ’29, he had made fortunes—and lost them because of his inability to stay dry. Bill had been in and out of hospitals repeatedly, and had been declared an incurable drunk by eminent physicians.

Dr. Robert Smith had tried to dry out many times. He ran a successful medical practice in Akron down to nothing and was reduced to staying at home and drinking, seemingly without any ability to stop. His health had already been affected by the constant saturation of his body with alcohol, and he had developed a painkiller addiction as well. By his own testimony he had resigned himself to his fate as an incurable alcoholic.

With the assistance of the Oxford Group, a semi-religious self-help organization, the stockbroker had managed to stay abstinent for several months. The Oxford Group’s tradition of testimony to other members, combined with prayer, had given Bill the fortitude necessary to stay dry for that period of time, but he was prone to bouts of depression throughout his life, and accompanying urges to hit the bottle. In July of 1935 he had been in Akron, OH for some time on assignment from his employer, and very much “needed” a drink.

Wilson got the idea that if he could talk to another alcoholic about what was happening with him—talk with someone who could really understand what he was going through—he might be able to withstand the compulsion to drink. Through a combination of events that can in retrospect only be called serendipitous, and with the help of Henrietta Seiberling, a member of the Goodyear Rubber Co. Seiberlings, he was put in touch with Dr. Bob. As a result of their meeting and talking, Bob Smith was able to stop drinking too, one day at a time. The date of his last drink, June 10th, 1935, is considered to be the birthday of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Bill remained in Akron with Bob and his wife Anne for some time. Anne was tremendously supportive of both of them, as was Bill’s wife, Lois. (Anne and Lois were the founders, in 1951, of Al-Anon, a fellowship for families and friends of alcoholics.) Over a period of several weeks Bill and Bob found others to talk with about alcoholism in order to help keep themselves sober. Bill carried the “message” back to New York, and from that kernel grew the mighty tree that is AA today—estimated to have well in excess of two million current members in more than 150 countries around the world.

Bill and Bob continued to work with each other and with others until the death of Dr. Bob on November 16th, 1950. Bill lived to see AA become the worldwide fellowship that it is today. He died on January 24th, 1971. Bill’s desperate collaberation with Dr. Bob, and their attempts to keep each other sober, sprouted not only Alcoholics Anonymous, but Narcotics Anonymous and the 150-plus 12-step fellowships that exist today.

In the year 2000 Bill Wilson was named one of the 100 most influential people of the 20th Century byTime Magazine. See the citation here. Surely we must consider Dr. Bob to have been honored, in spirit, as well.

Happy Birthday, AA, and thank you for my life.

 

Filed Under: Addiction Education, Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Recovery, Staying Sober, Support Groups, Twelve Steps

Are You An Enabler?

September 24, 2010 by Recovery Blogger

ENABLING refers to the tendency of those connected with people suffering from drug addiction or alcohol abuse to “help” the person. However, in doing so, they allow the addict to avoid the consequences of their drug abuse and/or alcoholism.

In order for addicts to become willing to make the changes that lead to recovery, it is necessary to break through their denial so that they can recognize the need for change.  Enabling prevents addicts from suffering the consequences of their disease, and allows them to continue in denial.

Enabling can increase the length of time necessary for addicts and alcoholics to “hit rock bottom” by many years.  It is always the wrong course of action, and it makes the enabler an accomplice in the disease process.  Would you rather see your loved one go to jail for DUI, or to the morgue the next time she drives drunk?

Here are some questions that will give you an idea of how you stack up in the enabling department.

  1. Have you ever ‘called in sick’ for your addict because they were too hungover to go to work or school?
  2. Do you ever make excuses for the addict’s drinking, drugging or behavior?
  3. Have you ever lied to anyone to cover up for the alcoholic?  How about lying to yourself?
  4. Have you ever bailed the addict out of jail or paid his or her legal fees?
  5. Have you accepted part of the blame for an alcoholic’s drinking or behavior?
  6. Do you avoid talking about the person’s drinking and drugging out of fear of the response?
  7. Have you paid bills that the addict was supposed to have paid?
  8. Have you “loaned” them money?
  9. Have you tried drinking or using drugs with the addict in hopes of strengthening the relationship?
  10. Have you given your addict “one more chance” — and then another and another?
  11. Have you threatened to leave if they didn’t stop drinking or using and then did not leave?
  12. Have you finished a job or project that the alcoholic failed to complete himself?

If you answered Yes to any of these questions you have enabled the alcoholic or addict to avoid the consequences of his or her own actions.  There are many more examples, but these are the common ones.

Al-Anon and Nar-Anon Family Groups are support fellowships for families and friends of alcoholics and addicts.  You might want to investigate what they have to offer.

Filed Under: Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Family and Friends, Support Groups

Some Comments About Codependency

April 19, 2010 by Recovery Blogger

Codependency, originally called co-alcoholism, refers to a group of emotional difficulties commonly experienced by people who are involved with addicts: family, close friends, co-workers, and so forth.

Our Addicts Make Us Crazy

Addicts behave in crazy ways, and their behavior affects the people close to them.  As their codependents adjust their lives and attitudes to life with a person suffering from chemically-induced insanity, they begin to move away from normal behavior, in an attempt to keep life on something like an even keel.

To begin with, this may include things like calling the addict in sick when he or she is too impaired to make it in to work, or supplying drinks or drugs to keep the addict pacified.  Kids may make excuses for dad not being at their school activities, or their inability to invite friends home as guests because of mom’s condition.  As the addict’s functioning decreases, the spouse make take on more responsibilities, and may spend a great deal of time and energy trying to control the addict and keep him or her from using. Most of us have seen this sort of thing, and wondered why in the world people put up with living that way.

Family Secrets

The family is the basic unit of society, and family members are often loyal to a fault.  All of the family members adjust their attitudes and behavior to keep the family as stable as possible — to keep the family secrets — in the face of the worsening circumstances.  Older children may become companions and support for the non-using partner or, in the case of more than one addict, may have to care for smaller children — perhaps protect them from the behavior of the adults.

No one likes these changes away from a normal life, but all try their best to keep the house of cards from falling down because they do not understand that there are alternatives, or are afraid to explore them.  As the process continues, the rest of the family becomes as abnormal in certain respects as the addict(s), because of the forced deviation from normal relationships and childhood development.  Everyone becomes convinced that things can’t go on this way, but everyone is stymied, and cannot see a way out — a classic double-bind, that is classically crazy-making.

Looked at this way, it is easy to see how families can come to need treatment as much as their addicts.  However, there is often a lot of denial on the part of codependents: “Hey, he’s the crazy one.  I’m the one who keeps things together!”  Adult partners may become accustomed to calling the shots, and may resist giving up the authority when the addict gets into recovery.  Children will not trust the using adult, although they still feel the familial bond.  They will be terribly confused.  Unless these family members — especially the children — get some help dealing with the crazy thinking, emotional (and often physical) abuse, and other problems caused by being so close to an addict’s behavior for so long, their difficulties adjusting to new relationships later in life are likely to be severe.

All of the above applies, to greater or lesser degree, to everyone who has to cope with an active addict.  We all adjust our behavior to accommodate the skewed antics of our addicts.  When the adjustments are too big, or last too long, we ourselves become sucked into the addict’s world.  That is why we say that addiction is a family disease.  Just as alcoholics and other addicts will do whatever they need to in order to support their addiction, so do codependents change their lives and do whatever they have to do to adjust to life with the addict.  In a sense, they become addicted to their addicts.

Codependency is also common in family members and caretakers of people with disabilities, major grief issues, and other life-changing, chronic conditions.

What To Do?

There are a number of 12-Step groups, such as Nar-Anon, Al-Anon and AlaTeen, formed so that folks who have been through the madness of codependency can help those who are still “under the influence” get their lives together.  There are also treatment centers that offer specialized treatment for codependents.  Such measures are strongly recommended for folks with loved ones and friends in recovery, and will do a great deal to insure the survival of the family after treatment.

Filed Under: Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholism, Detox, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Family and Friends, Recovery Tagged With: , , , ,